On The Verge
Dani York
With the conference approaching in a few short days, the liminal space
takes on new meaning. I am in it. Fully. And barely able to tolerate
it, it seems. Making final preparations for my presentation, wrapping
things up at work before I run away for a few days and try to make
space for all that other pesky life stuff that always sneaks in. The
prep for the conference has been liminal, to say the least. It has
been a process filled with uncertainty and sussing out all of those
moments that do not quite fit. Trying to find a voice that feels
authentic and trying on the role of the performer after so many years.
The space between in this process has been about re-learning to
embrace the actor part of me and what it means to approach it with
this newly inescapable therapist role following closely behind. Where
do they meet? Do they? Can one arrive without the other and vice
versa? I still do not know the answer to this question, nor am I
certain that the answer will be mysteriously (or not so) revealed on
Thursday night, when my friend and colleague and I take the stage to
be seen by other friends, colleagues, peers, therapists, actors.
As an actor I had always wanted to jump ahead to the performance;
barely able to tolerate rehearsals, wanting to be there, in the
moment, with the stage lights on, fully embodied and enrolled, both as
myself and someone else. The process pained me, exhausted me and I
found it difficult to appreciate those moments of discovery that I
feared, even if successful, would be gone when it really counted-
during the performance. Yet, there has been something about this
rehearsal process that has led to me to a new discovery, a shift in
that looking ahead role. Maybe it really just is all about the
process. At work, it is those moments that linger, not necessarily
the end product. This experience has felt like that in many ways.
Finding my way through the roles and story being created, playing with
embodiment and the lack thereof, searching for meaning in the moments
that are brought to life. And while worrying about how the final
product will be received, I have felt more drawn to my own process of
creating this piece… and what it all means. But not necessarily
what it will mean to you, rather what it has and will mean to me. Not
that I do not want the audience to be drawn in… the narcissistic
actor in me still needs her ego fed! But I want to really be in the
moment. So maybe now as I finish this blog piece, I will stop looking
ahead to Thursday, wondering what will happen, and just learn to exist
in this liminal space right now.
